


Rainbow of Langst

by MaranayaCruinne



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Blood, Depression, Hanahaki Disease, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:00:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21784078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaranayaCruinne/pseuds/MaranayaCruinne
Summary: Just a good load of langstAlso known as me postng my own therapy sessions disguised as Langst:'(
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Kudos: 18





	1. Intro

Short Introduction:

I write these to cope with my own dwindling depression and anxiety attacks. So some of it is real, some of it is fiction. It is meant to be a way for to deal with things, so I explain some things at the end of chapters, but don't feel bad for me. 

I am trying to put one color central per chapter, but sometimes it doesn't match so you get just regular angst kind of.

Xoxo Mara


	2. The color Red

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance f*d up a fight and couldn't take the harsh words anymore.
> 
> 'Partially real, partially fiction'

Lance POV:

Silent, no sounds fill my ear. I am drowning in my thoughts, in my tears, in blue and in red. Red covered my head, blue drowning my eyes. I couldn't focus on anything, not the galra I was shooting at, not at the voices faintly screaming through my coms or blue purring in my ears. I am drowning in the voices, the lights, the shots. 

"LANCE!" Keith screamed through the coms, breaking me out of my thoughts. "PAY ATTENTION, YOU ALMOST HIT ALLURA!" he screamed at me and I shook my head to clear it and try to concentrate. I took a hold of the controls of Red and sped forward, focusing on Lotors ship. I was shooting at the cruisers when I saw her out of the way and got hit. Allura is better, I can be replaced. "Lance! Why did you hit me!" Allura shouted. You are better, irreplaceable... 

After the fight:

We arrived at the castle, Red was all banged up and I was slightly dizzy. I stepped out of Red, only to be pushed back against her. "LANCE! KEEP YOUR FOCUS IN A FIGHT! YOU ALMOST HIT ALLURA AND PUT EVERYONE IN DANGER! WE CANNOT AFFORT TO LOSE ANYBODY! except for you, of course! PAY ATTENTION OR MAKE WAY FOR BETTER, MORE FIT PALADINS!" Keith screamed in my face, punching me with every word. I stood there, taking his shower of words. I was seeing his angry, red fury. After he was done with his rampage, he stood back, waiting for me to do something. I just nodded numbly and walked of to my room. 

Keith was right, Allura is better than me. She immediately had a connection with blue, she could pilot her perfectly, she was pretty, a princess, a fine diplomat, a good friend, an amazing paladin and better, irreplaceable. NO! I AM STILL VALUABLE! I STILL MATTER! I AM IMPORTANT TO THIS TEAM! I MATTER! I AM THE SHARPSHOOTER! I AM THE RED PALADIN! THEY NEED ME! I MATTER! I MATTER! I MATter! I matter! I matter! I don't matter! I don't matter! I am a failure! replaceable, a nothing, a zero, the worst paladin ever, goofball, stupid, vain, a pain, I JUST HOLD A REAL PALADINS PLACE, THEY DON'T LIKE ME, THEY WON'T MISS ME, STUPID, DUMB, WORTHLESS, REPLACEABLE, GARBAGE! 

Keith was right, I have to make way for the rightful Red paladin, I need to be better, I need to train... 

In the trainingroom:  
I took out my bayard and started training, I moved up level after level. Eventually, I was at level 80 and I slowed down. I still wasn't good enough, I need to be better. I put down my bayard and go for hand-to-hand combat. Right, left, dodge, kick, uppercut. I fought my way through three more levels. After 3 levels, I stopped. I didn't fight, I didn't dodge. I didn't move, I didn't care. I let the gladiator shoot me in the stomach, leaving a wide gaping hole in the middle. He scraped my arm with a shot and I fell down, in a pool of red. Beautiful, wonderful red. I write my note in the exact same colour, the color of sweet release and the color of my own blood. I was halfway through my own name when my world slowly fell into black. All the colors fading away, blue, white, red, untill black.

Keith POV:  
My head was hurting, it was throbbing and my memories were a blur. All I can remember is screaming at someone and them not reacting. I couldn't focus, so I decided to head to the trainingroom to blow of some steam. I took my bayard and ran to trainingroom. I was hunched over panting, but when I looked up I almost fell down again. The gladiators were standing around a big pool of red. Ugly, sticky red. There was a note by there feet, a hand still laying there, its fingers coated in red blood. "END TRAININGSEQUENCE!" I shouted and an electronic voice said: "End level 84". The gladiators fell down and I ran to the unmoving body. Dark, bloody skin with cuts and bruises and brown hair, matted with blood, greeted me. "LANCE!" I screamed and I ran at him. There was no movement in his body, and his hand was covered in his own blood. He seemed to have used his blood to write a note. 

Dear paladins of Voltron,  
Keith was absolutely right, I am unfocused lately and put you all in danger. I had to fix it, I had to become better, stronger, faster, more focused. I trained and trained, but I never became any better, any faster. I had to keep you out of danger and give up my place to a better paladin. Don't blame Keith, he was right and you cannot blame him for that. I was planning to do this for awhile, but I was scared. I am not scared anymore! I died seeing my favorite color and with it my favorite memories. Red, the color of blood, pain and agony, the color of freedom, relieve, my mothers lipstick. 

Goodbye, La...

The last part of his name is slurred, a blur. He couldn't finish because he was gone already. I picked him up and cried. My hands stained red, my armor even more, but I didn't care. I screamed and sobbed, heartwrenching sounds left my mouth and the others ran in. When they saw what happened we all broke down and grieved. The galra could attack and we wouldn't care. 

Since that day I never wore my own armor, it reminded me of Lance, his red hair and hands. We never could stand the color red again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words hurt, they really do. And some words never end, even though they were a joke or never even specifically spoken, just implied. This was my first one-shot I wrote, because all the words Lance hears and tells himself, is my daily thought process. And I don't turn this into a pity party, I wanted this to be the first because it sets the tone for the rest of the book. I only write these sad ass stories as a coping mechanism. and I will write the thought process after every chapter.


	3. The color Pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hanahaki disease one-shot, with a happy ending.

Lance POV:  
I was coughing. I was coughing up flower petals. Pink quiznacking flower petals. I know what it is, I know what and who caused. I know how to fix this, but I am not going to fix it. I have hanahaki disease, from Allura. When we first met her, I didn't have any feeling for her, but the more I flirted, the more my feelings grew. But then, it all went straight to Hell. Keith left and Lotor became an allie and Allura got feelings for her fellow Altean. I get it, he's the same species, but it hurt seeing them together.   
The first time I saw them together was at dinner, a month after Lotor became our allie. I was talking to Hunk, playing with my space goo a little, I wasn't that hungry. I could hear Allura giggling down the hall and after a few giggles, they entered the kitchen, holding hands and making goo-goo eyes at each other. I left almost immediately, what little appetite I had, gone.  
The first time I coughed up petals was a week after that, I was training. I was sparring with Pidge, when Lotor entered and started slashing at dummies like he owned the place. After a moment Allura walked in and kissed him, congratulating him on doing a good job. I started violently coughing and nobody noticed, so I ran. In my room, alone, I coughed up two pink peony leaves.   
The first time I passed out from the lack of air was two weeks after that. I was training by myself, when I heard them over the coms. Allura must have had her helmet on and not notice we could hear her. I turned of my com the moment I started coughing and I had just ended the training session when I coughed up almost an entire peony when everything went black. I woke up what could have been halve a varga later, still in the same position. I brushed the petals of, threw them away and went on with my day.  
The first time anyone noticed was when Keith returned, the petals were no longer triggered by Lotor and Allura, they were just there. Keith and I were flying about in Red, both missed each other a bit... We were just doing out 5th orbit around the planet when I started coughing. Red, who knew what was happening, put herself on auto-control and I dubbled over and Keith, who had no idea what was going on, ran to me. "Lance, Lance!" He screamed, helping me up. I held my hand in front of my mouth and coughed up petals and blood. He slowly pulled my hand away from my mouth, gasping at the blood dribbling down my chin and the unrecognizably colored petals in my hand. "Are you alright?" Keith asked and I simply said I was fine. He didn't believe me and Red purred in our minds, telling him the truth about my condition.  
The first time everyone found out was a month after I told Keith, he still had no idea who actually caused it, only that I had it and that I was dying. We were on a mission, with the Blade, so Keith was actually there. We were in the middle of a fight when I inconveniently coughed. Keith didn't hear over the ruckus, but Hunk did, over the comms. "Lance, are you okay?" He asked and that got everybody's attention. I was coughing my lungs out and on the brink of fainting, yet again. "I am fine" I coughed my hands in front of my mouth, blood and petals dripping through the cracks between my fingers. 

The first time anyone found out who caused was actually Lotor. After the accident at the mission, everyone seemed to have forgotten it ever happened. They didn't ask about it, even Keith seemed to have forgotten all about it. Lotor and I were talking about battle strategies, he was doing it with everyone, when I coughed a fully bloomed peony. It's pink petals glowing in the starlight of the control room. "Allura?" He simply asked and I nodded, turns out Hanahaki is a disease which spreads out through space. "You know she's in a relationship, why not take the surgery?" It wasn't hateful or harsh, it was genuinely caring. I shook my head. "I won't mind if I die, and neither would the others" I spoke softly and Lotor shook his head sadly. "They would" he said and I shrugged. Lotor understood he wouldn't get a real answer from me, we just continued our battle strategie planning. 

The time when the others found out who it was, was actually the day after Lotor found out and he told them. We were having dinner with the entire crew, including Keith when I coughed up blood and an entire peony, it was going on for a month and if I didn't get the surgery or somehow found another love, I would die in two weeks. The others stared at the flower with wide eyes. "Who? Damnit Lance, tell me who!" Keith gritted through his teeth. I shook my head and coughed up more blood, the worry in everybody's eyes became apparent. "Allura" Lotor spoke up from his seat next to the princess, who turned to Lotor. "The peonies are pink under all that blood" he explained. All of them gasped. I ran out of the room, leaving a trail of blood and pink peonies.  
The moment they found out I wouldn't take the surgery was a hard one, and the moment they found out why was even harder. Allura herself came to talk to me, convincing me to just consider the surgery. I simply shook my head and slammed my door. She hadn't left for long when Keith came knocking on my door. "Lance, please explain why you won't take the surgery!" He begged... I sighed and opened my door for him, tears streaming down my tan face. "I don't necessarily want to live" I said softly and Keith looked at me, not understanding. "What do you mean, you don't necessarily want to live? We will miss you, you are a valued member of the team, you have so much to live for" He said softly, grabbing my hands. He looked into my eyes, violet meets blue, sparkling with tears. "Did you miss me when you were with the Blade?" I asked softly and he nodded, slowly, scared I would miss his movements. "Very much" he said, a little louder than his previous question. 

The last time I coughed up petals was a week after I talked to Keith. I was lying in my bed because I couldn't breath properly enough to train or go on missions. Keith was about to leave for the Blade, tonight. He came to say good bye when I coughed for what could be the last time. Keith rushed into my room and he fell to his knees next to my bed. "Please, don't die on me, Lance!" Keith begged, tears in his eyes. When I coughed up petals one last time, feeling to weak to do anything but wait for my death, Keith kissed me. He slammed his lips straight on mine, not caring about the petals or the blood. When he pulled away, I closed my eyes and slept. The flowers slowing welting in my longs.

Keith POV:  
I slammed my lips on Lance's, hoping to save him, help him, but when I pulled away, he closed his eyes. I let out a cry of anguish, feeling betrayed by the world for letting my one love die just after I confessed my undying love for him. In a sliver of hope, I checked his pulse and was ecstatic to find a weak pulse, which grew stronger and stronger with each passing minute. I layed beside him in his bed, hoping and knowing he would be alright.  
He won't die and all we have to do is clean up the pink petals when he wakes, and then this never happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I Always had a fascination with Hanahaki, how something we are raised to believe is a need, something we cannot live without can hurt you so so much and so drastically. I ended this one-shot like I did, not because I wanted it to be happy, but because even though love isn't something we need to live, it shows that it is something worthy to live for.


	4. The color Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance doesn't know what happened, he just turned invisible, slowly losing everything that made him human and all contact with human beings. Luckily, there is a saving grace

Lance POV:  
I don't know what happened, I can't remember what happened, what could have caused this, this situation.. Let me explain, I am INVISIBLE! Like a ghost or a fairy. The others cannot see me, hear me, touch me or even remember me! Blue neither, I tried entering her, but she wouldn't open. That's when I realized I was invisible, untangeable, a faint memory. The mice could hear me, though... I don't know what happened. I cannot remember what could have caused this, this arrangement. What could have made me invisible or how to fix this, this predicament, this invisability.  
Honestly, at first I wasn't even that sad. I thought it would have some peace and quiet, but after a while, it became depressing and grey. My room faded to grey, I faded to grey and my mood faded to grey. I realized I don't like peace and quiet, I like noise, I like color and I like being seen! After the grey turned into white, I realized it wasn't very different from before, they still ignored me, like they did when they could see me. They still were better off if I wasn't there . I still wasn't part of any team bonding. I still was just as invisible as I was when I was visible. I would do what I used to do. I would check on Pidge every night to see if she was sleeping enough, I would check on Hunk to make sure he doesn't stressbake. I would run to Shiro's room when he screams or shut down the Gladiators when Keith was pushing himself. I could control the castle a bit, giving comfort and care through light and gentle humming.

3 months later  
This has been going on for months now, and I learned to live with it. I stopped controling the castle, only making sure Keith didn't die while training and Pidge didn't turn to sleepdeprived. I stopped running to Shiro or try to talk to them. I stopped walking around, just sitting on the couch in the kitchen all the time. The others were noticing the gentle humming and waves of air stop, but they still didn't notice me. They were having a meeting in the kitchen with the Blade and Lotor. I was wandering for a bit, I still couldn't get myself to join meetings. I Always messed them up when I was there, and deep down I was scared that even being there when nobody could see me would mess it up. In the end I got tired of walking around and went back to the meeting, walking straight through the kitchen cabinets. "Wow!" Lotor exclaimed, looking directly at me "I didn't know humans could walk through walls!". He looked straight at me, shocked and I was shocked as well, he could see me. Slowly, everything turned grey again. "Don't bother, they cannot see me" I spoke up, walking past everybody towards Lotor. "But I can see you" Lotor whispered and I nodded then shrugged. "I hate the color grey, everything is grey right now" I murmured walking out. I touched the grey mice, the grey walls and the grey Lions. "WAIT UP!" I heard behind me, I turned around to see Lotor running towards me. "What do you mean they cannot see you? Who are you?" he asked and I explained what had happened, who I was and what I have become. "You seem nice, Prince Lotor, but I cannot leave this castle" I answered after he asked me to join him on his ship as his consort, saying he remembered me from before.  
1 month later:  
Lotor has stayed in the castle with me and he is really nice. We have been dating for a week and everybody thinks Lotor is crazy for dating a "ghost". They gave him my old room and he tried to pilot blue. Everything is still grey, I now know that the more people see me, the more color my world will be. Lotor and I are sitting in our room, telling stories about our families. "I really want to meet your generals, Lo" I giggled and he laughed. Suddenly there was a knock on our door. Pidge came in and stopped. "Lotor, who is your friend?" they asked and green filled my vision. "You can see me?" I asked and she nodded. "You remember me?" I asked and she shook her head. The green faded into an ugly green, like vomit. "They have to remember me for the colors to be vibrant" I turned to Lotor. he smiled sadly and a tear escaped my eyes. "Remember you? I don't even know you!" Pidge exclaimed and ran out of the room.  
Over the weeks, my vision came back and the only one who still couldn't see me was Keith. Nobody remembered me, though and Lotor and I believe they all have to see me before they remember. I was sitting with Lotor in the kitchen when I decided to pickup the routine and check on Keith. "I am going to check on Keith, Lo" I said and I gave him a kiss on the cheek. He waved and I walked towards the training room. Keith was training with his back to the door when I entered. He slashed at the gladiators untill he fell down panting. "End training sequence" I said and He looked up. ''Lance?" he asked and I gasped. My vision burst into a world of colors again and I ran up to hug him. "Lance, where have you been?" he asked and he patted my back awkwardly. "Here! Here! I was in the castle the entire time! You couldn't see me, hear me or touch me! I was invisible! Lotor's ghost boyfriend, that was me! But you remember me and now everyone else surely will to! Oh, I have to tell Lotor!" by the end I was crying and rambling. I ran to the kitchen, which held Shiro, Pidge and Lotor. "Lo! Lo! OWh, he sees me! He remembers me!" I ran into his awaiting arms, crying.. "Lance?" Pidge and Shiro ask and I cry even harder.

I love the color grey, even though it's a bad color, it's first color I got back and the last color I lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, Mara here. This isn't real in any way, it cannot be. But the feeling is, feeling so invisible that everything just seems to fade out and so do you as a person in your community. Grey is a color that gets seen as boring, one way street and not there. That's why I picked grey, I wear grey when I am sad, because it doesn't stand out. Nobody talks to you then.


	5. The color of Ink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a little note in Lance's room, but he is nowhere to be found. See what it says

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you sometimes just write a suicide note, that when you are not okay, you write down what you would say or what you wonder as you stare out of your window at night.
> 
> This is mine... Fitted to Lance
> 
> I'm alive, obviously, if I post this. Doesn't mean I never tried, twice, exactly a year apart and exactly the same way. I dont have the urge anymore, haven't for 2 years. But I feel like this note just needs to be shared, that it's meant to be read, not staying on my laptop....

_To the people who tried to save me, but couldn't._

_To the people who could've saved me, but didn't. I regret nothing and everything. I regret going out of my room that night and I regret taking Hunk with me. I regret saving Shiro and meeting Keith again. I regret knocking. I dont regret the training sessions or flying the blue lion. I regret my life and I regret living. In no way is this your fault, paladins, friends. I just wasnt as strong as you thought I was. I couldn't deal with people leaving, unanswered feelings or dying. I want to deal with dying!_

_I want to be fine with leaving, with leaving people behind wondering what happened. Where it went wrong, because my life isn't that bad. Or at least, it looks like that. My life looks like a dream, with good friends and a loving family. Still, all that isn't enough. It isn't okay and I need to be okay wih that. And I need you to be okay with me leaving, with me jumping into the vast nothingness. I need you to know it is nobody's fault. Nobody on the ship knew what to do, how to help me. And that's okay. It's okay that it wasn't enough, because sometimes you feel your is inadequate or that you miss something you cannot put your finger on it._

_I would laugh and smile, I would be happy and joke around, to hide the pain. TO MAKE MYSELF BELIEVE IT WAS OKAY. THAT I WOULD BE OKAY, that someway or somehow it would be fine. If I just kept up the act, maybe I could trick myself. Trick myself into beleiving its all a bad dream, that I whenever I cut myself, I wouldn't feel a thing._

_When I write this I wonder if someone will defend me, if they will say it's not my fault and that its somehow someone else who did this, who made me feel like this. Or will they hate me? Will they think I am being pathetic, killing myself over a life that might not be worth dying over?_

_I wonder if someone will miss me? Please, dont miss me? Dont do that to yourself. My physical body might be gone and I might not believe in God or souls or the afterlife, but I know I am alive in the memories we made. The sleepovers and the cookouts, the break at school and trips to our favourite cafe. Dont worry about me, dont miss me. Live a full life, dont follow in my footsteps._

_Goodbye forever and deepest apologies,_  
_Lance_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little epilogue:  
> Keith POV:  
> We were all in the observation deck, when suddenly Pidge screamed. She pointed out the window, where Lance was floating, pale as can be. DEAD! Everybody rushed to suit up, to save him. I didn't, I rushed to his room to find the note. I knew he had to have left it.
> 
> My eyes break out in tears when I see the clean room, neatly made, with a folded note on the bed....


End file.
